Whether you've completed your spiritual growth with a soulmate or simply feel it's time to move on, leaving someone you loved is a trying proposition. It's tempting to just send a text or email, or clear out your things and leave a letter to avoid the confrontation.
Sometimes the impersonal methods are necessary - if they're abusive or prone to lashing out, you have to do what's necessary for your safety. But it's always best (so long as it doesn't endanger you) to leave face-to-face whenever possible.
Especially if you had a long history leading to this point.
Investment Deserves Closure
The longer you were together, the more likely your (soon to be) ex deserves the opportunity to ask questions and gain closure. Avoiding this very uncomfortable and painful encounter is nearly guaranteed to corrupt the memory of what was. Really ask yourself if he/she has done something to deserve withholding closure before giving in to your aversion to a personal break-up.
It helps to think back to a time when you were on that end. Put yourself in their shoes and be honest - if they were leaving you, what would you want? What would you feel you deserved if you were them?
Remember: you deserve closure too. Being face to face can be as much for you as it is for them, maybe even more. Telling them personally why things didn't work can be an extremely cathartic experience.
Is There Still Love?
I won't urge you to reconsider, because I'm sure you've already given this enough thought to be certain. Maybe you've tried counseling, compromise and enough research to feel like you should have a PhD and nothing has worked. It wasn't enough. There's love, but something vital is missing.
I understand. It's ok to still love the person you're leaving. Sometimes you're better off as friends or as a memory than as a couple.
Just be honest with them. It may seem like a bad idea, but let them know there's still love there. Make sure to let them know there's something missing too. Yes, they may bargain with you and try to change your mind. Give them that right, but remain steadfast. Bargaining is part of the grief stages, but it doesn't mean your decision is less valid or right for you. Of course, if your partner gets manipulative or mentally abusive, that's another story.
Asking for another chance is normal. Belittling, accusing or emotionally attacking you to force you to change your mind isn't. While it may still be triggered by grief, if the encounter starts to take that kind of turn, it's best to wrap it up and get out of there. He/She won't suddenly become more rational or considerate during that conversation. They'll need time to lick their wounds and heal, and so will you.
Leaving a love is very difficult and painful, but doing your best to do so respectfully can end things without undoing the happy moments you had together. Sometimes your best efforts won't work out they way you hoped, but you'll always know you did the best you could. And that is invaluable. The effort will age well as you move forward from here.
These are posts from previous directions of Metaphysiology. Old blog posts and pages that don't fit the current theme can still be found here.
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